A night of reflection: Is sterilisation the answer?

Its 3:50am, and I’ve been awake for hours. The last few months just keep going through my head. Yesterday, a friend called me and was asking about my vomiting, my medications, what time I eat my meals etc. basically trying to give advice on how I might be able to reduce the heartburn by eating dinner earlier. It was already day 2 of my omeprazole epiphany, so I reassured her that things on the heartburn front were improving. She then asked me if I would have any more children. It was half jokingly I think. It’s not the first time she’s asked the question, we have talked about it before. On previous occasions I’ve stated numerous times that this will be my last child. It’s why I so desperately wanted the baby to be a girl. But to my surprise, yesterday, when she said

“…so are you having any more then?”

Something inside me broke.

I burst into tears, and just remember saying

“I can’t do this again, I can’t do this again,” over and over.

I know I have said those words before, but this time, the words had new meaning to me. I’d half joked about the fact that my DH had declared his plans to have a vasectomy as soon as our bundle of joy is born. I never seriously entertained the idea because I knew he wasn’t really serious… was he? It was too extreme, too rash. I would probably just have a mirena placed and be done with it. After all, it worked for 4 years after my DS was born.

But after reading an article about a lady who had a tubal ligation after her second child, I had begun to seriously consider this option myself.

Is sterilisation the answer?

I don’t want my DH to have a vasectomy, I know that much. Maybe I’m of a more morbid personality type; but I do think about the possibility of me dying an untimely death. What if my husband remarries, and his new wife wants children? It’s my body that has this adverse reaction to pregnancy, not his. Who’s to say his (imaginary) new wife wont sail through a problem free pregnancy.

I could never discuss these things with him. He could not even entertain the idea of anything happening to me. Even trying to discuss life insurance policies freaks him out. But I know, as far as a vasectomy goes, I could never let him do it.

But what if at some time in the future, despite the use of contraception, I fall into that small percentage failure rate- and fall pregnant? I can’t imagine being pregnant, with my husband’s child, and not wanting to go forward with that pregnancy. But what would I do? I can’t do this again. I can’t go through this again. Is sterilisation the answer?

Week 14: Feeling better leads to terror

After weeks and weeks of every day being the same- waking up feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus, every muscle in my body aching, feeling foggy headed and nauseous and fighting the urge the vomit; I suddenly woke up one morning feeling…better. My head felt strangely clear, and I didn’t feel like I’d been hit by a bus. Wow! A feeling of relief washed over me, but was quickly replaced by a flood of total terror.

Why do I feel better? What if something’s wrong.

Did I still feel nauseous? – yes, the nausea was there, a little.

What about the hypersalivation? Yes, I was still needing to expel the contents of my mouth into my bedtime bucket every 1-2 minutes as usual.

But there was no denying that this sudden reduction in the severity of my symptoms was real, and petrifying.

I had not yet stepped foot out of bed, and I burst into tears. Every complaint, every grumble, every gripe, I take it all back. I embrace every vomit, every episode of haematemesis, every episode of urinary incontinence, every haemorrhoid, every pain, every ache! Just please God let my baby be ok.

That was the day it dawned on me that, no matter what I go through during this pregnancy, I want this baby. I love this baby. Up until that morning, I had a constant feeling of guilt, lingering at the back of my mind. I felt so, so awful all the time. I felt guilty because, I questioned my decision to get pregnant in the first place. I wasn’t sure if I was really engaging with this pregnancy at all. Was it just too early to really start bonding with the baby, or was this a deeper problem. The guilt lingered, and then dissipated away on that morning, when I cried for my baby to be ok. I knew at that moment, whatever this pregnancy puts my body through, nothing mattered more to me than the safe delivery of my child.

Thankfully after a stressful morning, I lay on the examination couch a few hours later, with my midwife by my side. No sooner had she placed the Doppler on my small bump did I hear the galloping sound of my baby’s heart beat. Tears of joy welled up in my eyes, as I thanked her for reassuring me.

The following morning, I awoke feeling like I’d been hit by a bus. I smiled.